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Alien Blood

1997

Alien Blood
 

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The Movie

"A woman and her daughter break into a house to escape some hooligans but inside strange things begin to happen which involves vampires and aliens..."

One of those tragic stories; alien brutally slays room service waiter (hey, who hasn't?), then, pursued across England's Beautiful Lake District, she hides up in a remote house where a bunch of numbskulls are preaparing to celebrate the millenium. She's been chased by a bunch of elite soldiers in black, who wear white masks to make shooting them easier in the dark.

Despite being midwinter, the trees are budding with green, and, come nightfall, the female numbskulls strip to their undies for ease of movement (that's what she said, honest).

After a slow and tedious bloodbath, with automatic weapons being used by both sides, it transpires that the alien's daughter (who is French; don't ask) can induce 1. crossed eyes; 2. nosebleeds; 3. vomitting and 4. death - all with a long stare from 15 yards. If we'd known that sooner, the film could have been mercifully shorter. Mind you, the fella took ages to die, so I guess it doesn't translate too well.

Finally, the 'mother ship' shambles in, and takes the child away, leaving the Lakeland scenery as beautiful as before. The End.

Oh, the vampires were just a fancy dress thing; quite irrelevant.

Review

This awful movie was some idiot's final year media studies project; it was going swimmingly (he'd blackmailed a few technicians to help). But then he fell out with his girlfiend, the only person with a glimmer of writing ability, and she went home to Mummy, taking the script with her*.

Undismayed, Our Hero and his band of talentless friends decided to busk it. And this is the result; a beautifully photographed, slow, flabby, boring movie that has nothing to say that wasn't ripped off from from earlier (and better) movies.

*I'm guessing.

Let's face it, how bad does a movie have to be to need to pretend to be a vampire movie in order to shift DVDs? I paid 75 cents - and I was robbed.

The DVD

  • Director: Jon Sorenson
  • Starring: Francesca Manning, Glyn Whiteside, Vanessa Stevens, Catherine Whitaker
  • Producer: Jon Sorenson
  • Screenplay: Jon Sorenson

How To Buy This DVD

Alien Blood
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The Vampyreverse 10 January 2016 Copyright Andrew Heenan Privacy